i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
