Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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