I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
