U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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