i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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