I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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