And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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