Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
