I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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