dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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