trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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