You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He felt like a one man threesome
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
