apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
