dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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