You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
