How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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