What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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