she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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