It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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