I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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