yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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