Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
