Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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