Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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