Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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