wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Pants are for mortals
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
