Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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