I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
