i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
