better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
