I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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