these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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