i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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