all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
