Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
