I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
