Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
