every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
