I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
