I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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