Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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