Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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