I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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