Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
