I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
