Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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