I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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