I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
