I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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