Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
