3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
