My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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