we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
