Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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