He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
