There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
