Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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