bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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