I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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