I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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