she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom