Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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