Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
