Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
