he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
